Perfectly Imperfect – The Etiquette of Complimenting Women

IMG_8125There is etiquette to complimenting a woman, and it’s pretty simple. But recently I’ve realized that most people have either forgotten or choose not to apply. A simple “you look fabulous” or “I love your hair” can go a long way – no brainer. Supporting and lifting a woman up, especially in today’s image centric world, is more important than ever. But where has our etiquette gone? This question has led me to share 3 things you should never ask a woman. Period.

How old are you?
I know how old I am, thank you. If you want to tell me I look good, regardless of my age, just say I look good.

Are you pregnant?
Really? Really!? If I was pregnant and wanted you to know, I would tell you – believe me.

How much do you weigh?
Umm no explanation needed. Don’t ask – it’s the cardinal-rule.

It’s just good manners people!  Most woman (myself included) are sensitive to these three questions.  My latest pet peeve is #3 – How much do you weigh….or something similar to that affect.

The other day I ran into a former student that I hadn’t seen in a couple of years (maybe 2 or 3 years) – she looked at me and blurted out “OMG! You’ve lost a lot of weight!”

Okaaay! Umm, WTF. My first reaction to this backhanded compliment was to take it for that…a compliment.  I mean who doesn’t want to be recognized for looking good or slimmer. So naturally ‘Thank You’ is the appropriate response. But on this specific day I was feeling feisty and empowered…I waited a beat and then I responded…”Being a woman I’m never sure how to take that comment, I mean was I FAT before?”

Harsh? I think not. Let’s be honest, after the glow from the backhanded compliment fades, we ask ourselves that exact question….Was I FAT before?  Aren’t most of us on the never-ending quest to lose 5 pounds? Instead of this statement making us feel good, we wonder if everyone else saw us as FAT and needing to lose weight.  There are more appropriate ways to provide this type of a compliment that won’t send one spiraling down the negative self-talk and insecurity hole. Here are a few of my suggestions:

  1. You look great!
  2. You look like you’re in great shape!
  3. You must really be working out, you look wonderful!

Like I said, I was feeling feisty so I said what I said. I wasn’t trying to be mean, but that question/statement just irks me and I had to speak my truth. I do believe we can be more tactful and positive in how we communicate with others – it’s just a matter of sticking to the basics of compliment etiquette.  Now, it’s not to say my BFF couldn’t get a way with this comment, but someone I don’t really know or that is not part of my inner circle, no.

There’s my soapbox for today. So if anything, try to live each day by the following:

  • Before you speak, think
  • Before you spend, earn
  • Before you quit, try
  • Before you die, live

PS.  I wrote this article and decided to let it sit for a day.  The very next day as I was working in the Pilates Studio with a bunch of students,  a woman approached me….

“Heather?  Heather?  Is that you?  OMG you’ve lost so much weight!!!!!  It makes you look way, wayyyy younger!”

My students looked at me after she left and were like…really?  It justified to me that I wasn’t being overly sensitive!  And YES I have lost weight – maybe 5-8lbs in the past 2 years and on a 5 foot 2 inch frame I guess that can look like a lot more.

What I’m trying to convey is that we are all perfectly imperfect!  Let’s try to boost each other up and support each other with kind words and deeds this coming year.

 

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *